10 Tips To Get Through Your Divorce Mediation

In my readings as a divorce mediator, I often find many articles on getting through your divorce but not necessarily on getting through your divorce mediation. Take for example an article I read on the Bella Online website posted by Stephanie L Watson in which she wrote of "10 Tips to Get through Your Contested Divorce." After having a chance to read and absorb it, I thought it did an excellent job of keeping those in the midst of a divorce focused on the task at hand and offered many ways to reduce the stress of what is already an emotional situation.

Then upon further reflection, I got to thinking about what the core of divorce mediation really is and based on the topics covered in her article, I realized the advice she was offering was really a form of alternative dispute resolution. So with that in mind, I present 10 tips for getting through your divorce mediation. I hope you find them helpful.

1) Cool it

In divorce mediation sessions, I try to tell my clients that some emotions are OK and even natural but it doesn't do anyone any good if you lose your temper as you will be unable to make rational decisions which are going to impact you and your family for the rest of your lives.

2) Get Counseling

What better time to work on you than the present and since divorce mediation does bring up a lot of feelings, it's always good to have a neutral third party to share them with and help you make sense of what you're going through.

3) Silence is golden

In mediation we have a saying that our job is to keep everyone "future focused." One of the tough things about being an adult is letting the past go and looking to the future. Like the first point above says, brighter days are ahead even after your divorce even though when you are in the middle of it, it seems impossible to believe and like the old adage says, if you can't say anything nice...

4) Act with integrity

Especially if you have children, they will emulate your behavior so be careful how you act because you're never sure who is paying attention. But at the end of the day, if you do something illegal, you will get caught and it will not end well for you.

5) Honesty is the best policy

One of the basic tenants of divorce mediation is that we as divorce mediators rely on what is presented to us. During your mediation session we ask that you remember to be completely open and honest with us as if you don't, the truth is going to come out some time anyway and usually it's in court. Trust me, that is the last place you want to be.

6) Keep children out of it

Divorce is an adult issue and is to be treated as such. No slandering your soon to be ex-spouse as you must remember - just because you will no longer be husband and wife, you will always be mom and dad to that child and they need you now more than ever.

7) Record everything

In mediation it's much better to be able to provide back-up and documentation to support your claims than to use emotional statements which come less from a place of truth and more from a place of hurt. We as mediators rely solely on what is presented to us and in order for mediation to work; we need all parties to be open and honest with us.

8) Digitize it

Because we are an equitable distribution state, during divorce mediation in New Jersey, we go through an exercise where we ask clients to inventory all of their assets, liabilities, both individual and joint for the purposes of equitable distribution. Being able to peacefully divide belongings makes this a much simpler and more straightforward process than if couples were to argue and dissect every single item. Naturally the wants and needs of each spouse are balanced out so at the end of the day, each of them comes away with something that is fair and balanced and they can live with. Remember - it's just "stuff."

9) Prove it

Couples need to understand when entering divorce mediation that it is not marriage counseling or therapy. It is important to document and prove things when you can in order to keep the sessions from disintegrating into "he said / she said." We're not here to bring up old wounds or to try and hurt the other person; we're here to peacefully and as amicably as possible dissolve the marriage.

10) Be real

At the end of the day, the law is looking to equalize the parties' standards of living. It does not seek to penalize one or the other party and heap wealth and financial gain upon one because in its judgment the person was wronged. Ask any attorney who understands divorce mediation and they will (or should) tell you that assuming competent attorneys, you will wind up with the same results litigating your divorce as you will mediating your divorce and as I can personally attest to you will save yourself a fair amount of money and headaches in the process.

Information provided by:
Joseph F. Dillon, MBA, located at
http://www.equitablemediation.org/